Okay, I had to sit down and write this.

I don’t love using the internet as if it’s a diary, but unfortunately I’m one of those people that can’t stay cute & quiet & mysterious. I would love to be her. But sometimes you can go to therapy, run 5 miles, read the bible, journal your thoughts, and there’s still more to say. That is where I’m at right now. If there is one person out there that benefits from what I have to say, then it’s completely worth the many people who cringe at my oversharing. So let’s get into what I have to say today.

I had the “six month meltdown.” What’s the six month meltdown, you ask? Ah, I’d love to tell you.

The six month meltdown is a simple concept, but it never gets any flashy attention. After you end a relationship or go through a divorce or another grieving period, your support is there for you in the early beginning stages the very most. Of course, you need support at that time, but you’re not always even quite aware of what’s happening. Your body is in survival mode and you’re just trying to get through to the next right step. I had a friend come visit me to “help” and I actually ending up having a panic attack during the visit. I didn’t have the space to understand what exactly was happening because it was all so fresh.

And in that time, you may make a lot of “healthy” steps in order to just stay a float. I quit drinking for the majority of the time after the breakup. After I started drinking again around the 3/4 month mark, a lot of people were messaging me that I looked “happier” and “more myself.” This was totally discouraging to me. I had two cocktails, Jenny… THAT’S why I look happy in that picture. I was still pushing down the pain. I have lost almost 30 lbs this year. People were messaging me how great I look. The reality is that I haven’t cooked myself a proper meal in who knows how long. I skip many meals because I didn’t have the appetite or the energy to cook. Just because someone “looks” healthy, does not mean they are. Dramatic maybe, but there were nights where I would literally would cry and then have a glass of water for dinner. Maybe when your friend loses a lot of weight after her fiancé left her, that’s a sign she’s not necessarily taking care of herself?

But after six months, you start to live those “next right steps” a lot easier and a little healthier. It all starts to pay off. You’re faced with a fork in your road and you either continue to “suffer” or you make the deliberate choice to be healthy and make positive steps forward. In my experience, the fog is lifting, I’m performing better at work, and I’ve even started to date other people. And that’s where the meltdown can come from: realizing you’re on the last tiny bit before you upgrade, and you let go of that person and your previous life forever.

It is almost like a sense of denial in a way. One can be so happy and fulfilled in many other parts of life. Although not the best way to come about it, I am confident in my weight. I am happy with my hair, my clothes, etc. And in the very next breath, I am wildly devastated and betrayed mourning a huge loss in my life. I am both at the same time.

I’ve never gotten into the entire story on here, so here’s a synopsis: I was engaged. I saw my entire life coming together with who I knew was a great life partner. My sister loved him like a brother and he fit into my family as if he was the missing puzzle piece we had always needed. A calm in our storm. He gave me the gift of an overwhelming peace I had never experienced in my life. Completely changed my way of thinking and who I was. This person positively impacted my life. And then one day, he just left. He was unhappy in our geographic circumstances (aka: he understandably hated New York City, as a lot do), but he abandoned me completely. Sent a text message while I was at work. It was the shittiest way to end things, that to this day: I have a hard time believing should have ended in the first place.

I thought there were other things we could have done. I thought we could have moved to the suburbs in New Jersey or Connecticut. I thought we could’ve done long distance before the wedding and then chosen a city we both were comfortable with. We talked about the future and our plans and we were on the SAME page. So for him to disrespectfully throw me an our plans in the literal garbage, was not something I could wrap my brain around. How was I not worth more than trash? How could someone do this to me and to our life? And I’ve since spoken to him, and he doesn’t always get it either. He was in a fog and no one could have convinced him otherwise. So maybe it was the hand of God who forced us apart? I think about that a lot too. Who am I to say what the right move here was?

So here I am, six months later “moving on.” I freaked out because of it. I see that there are other wonderful people out there. I see that I am succeeding on my own without him. I see all of that and something in my soul had been CLINGING to him, like “are you sure about this? Because we are about to lose this forever?” The truth is, I wasn’t sure. We aren’t sure that things ended the way they were supposed to. How am I supposed to avoid emotional turmoil if that is the case?Two people, with love in their souls for one another, not entirely sure things ended the way they should have, being left no choice but to believe it as truth. It is a very tough thing to do. The reality of the matter: it did happen. The damage is done. I’ll now have to “remember him” longer than I had known him.

So, I still cry about it sometimes. I cry for many reasons, but one of the biggest is that I cannot fathom what people are capable of doing. The person I loved the most had betrayed me in a way no one ever did before. How could I have let him get so close? How could I have been so foolish not to see it coming? I work through it in therapy, but I blame myself a lot for that.

But I also cry, because I know I need to move on. I know I deserve a lot more in this lifetime than betrayal. I know “my time will come” where it will be my turn to have a family and children. Or maybe it won’t, but what I do need to do is leave it in the hands of God.

This is one of the most important and crucial lessons I’ve learned in the whole experience. Mind you, I knew this, but I had never experienced it so blatantly. I wrote it in my Instagram caption yesterday:

“Today’s Easter & this caption is of a theme that keeps coming up in my life: devoting my entire life to God & not forgetting about His love.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
It’s easier said than done.⠀⠀⠀⠀
Three years ago on Easter, I met a person who’d change my life forever. Six months ago, I was completely betrayed by the same person and the last few days, it’s been bothering me a little more than usual.
Over the last months, I’ve spent energy reaching & clinging for the love that I once got, but is now gone. I looked for everywhere for its replacement, like a drug I couldn’t go without. I’ve looked for it in other people, in my work, my home, my habits, etc.⠀⠀
We do very often lose sight of where that love is so readily and easily available to us:
From God.
The love is there all along. We never lose it.
God loves us so much, He gave His only son to us to die for our sins on a cross. The greatest love story ever told, is within scripture.
I have all the love I ever need from God and I can never lose that. What a beautiful and merciful experience. It brings me joy and peace on this Easter Sunday & I hope it does for you, too.”

Sis, you have to look to God. That is the ONLY way. I’m learning it constantly and I feel in my heart that it’s why it’s never worked out for anyone else. I forget God is numbero uno. I bend and break and give and give and give so much of myself in order to make these people happy. Then, I’m disappointed when I don’t feel the love I was expecting from them. I’m searching for that love in the wrong places.

I hope this article entry helped you. I hope you can understand that you’re allowed to mourn a loss and you’re allowed to be happy and you’re allowed to have trouble understanding things. But at the end of it all, I hope you pray. I hope you recognize your need for the Lord and the reason nothing is working. I hope your friends check on you if you lost 30 lbs who look happy on the internet at the six month mark. It’s okay to feel both strong and feel like you’re hardly staying afloat.

What I do know, is that time heals. I’m coming close to losing that life forever. If I’m being honest, it’s been gone for a very long time. It’s time to make peace with that and the only way I’m going to is by making the next healthy step, and prayer.

For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

Psalm 30:5 ESV

I love you all, thanks for reading.

Hi, I'm Alex! 🙂

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