“My hope is if we add up the “one mores” they will equal a lifetime and I’ll never have to get to the part where I let you go. But that’s not real, is it? There are no more one mores. I met you when everything was new and exciting, and the possibilities of the world seem endless. And they still are… for you, for me, but not for us. When something breaks, if the pieces are large enough, you can fix it. Unfortunately sometimes things don’t break, they shatter. But when you let the light in, shattered glass will glitter. And in those moments when the pieces of what we were catch the sun, I’ll remember just how beautiful it was. Just how beautiful it’ll always be. Because it was US. And we were magic.”

-Jenny Young from the film Someone Great

Sheesh. Well, from the title, I am assuming you know what this post is going to be about. Brace yourself. I am no expert, love doctor and I do not have a PhD in relationships (HA! Far from it!), but I have had very real heartbreak and I personally believe I have learned how to overcome it as best as I can. A lot of people very close to me are experiencing the same kind of transition and it’s important to share what works. We’ve got to work as a team.

In my short 26 years of life, I have already been madly in love twice. Unfortunately for me, both experiences left me with a crushed and very broken heart. The first time, I was young, 22, and the break-up was completely unexpected, caught me off guard and made me feel left abandoned. The second, I was still young, but 25 and I was no longer being respected in my relationship with someone I loved very deeply, which is a different type of tragic. On the plus, I had maturity and the experiences of mistakes I made in the past on my side.

Here’s what I’ve learned to be a recipe on how to WIN at heartbreak and not let it beat you:

#1) MUSIC

Allllll the break-up playlists. Play that song on repeat for three hours so you can truly feel it. At 25, it was without a doubt Kacey Musgraves and Willie Nelson’s “Are you Sure?” I must have played that song for five days in a row at one point because of how accurate the lyrics were to what had happened and the sad melody. Find your “Are You Sure?” After a while, I started to feel better and the music got a more upbeat as I went.  Soon, I was at a Lizzo level of Self-Love, but it took a second to get there! Don’t rush the musical journey.

#2) LET YOURSELF FEEL THE HURT

22 left me feeling numb and abandoned, therefore, I genuinely did not think I was sad. I keep saying “I don’t want someone who wants me so I am fine.” Although I did not want anyone who wanted me, I wasn’t fine even though I felt like I was. What I needed to do was properly wallow.

At 25, I had learned my lesson. I cried. I screamed. I played my sad music. I threw things. I packed up all his things in a box, mailed them to him and send him a venmo request for the shipping costs. And you know what? IT HELPED. I needed to expel the emotions I was feeling. Maybe you aren’t so immature/aggressive to venmo your ex for shipping costs, but you’ll find your version of emotional release. The feelings will only come back to haunt you if you don’t feel them when necessary.

#3) KEEP MOVING

You have got to keep yourself pretty much constantly occupied. The second you stop moving, you may start overthinking and self-doubting (I’ll return to this topic later). For me, the easiest and best thing to do: exercise. This last breakup made me so, so angry. I channeled that anger at the gym. After only one month of constantly taking all my anger out at my gym, I lost a lot of fat, had more energy and just felt better. The exercise is so productive in endorphin regulation as well. If you’re not a gym person, go on a hike, a bike ride or simply a long walk. You’d be surprised how much 20 minutes of exercise will help you refocus.

#4) BE NICE TO YOURSELF & CHANGE PERSPECTIVE

I think this is the toughest one for all of us. I’m not sure if everyone is better than I am, but I know for myself, these breakups caused a spiral of overthinking:

• “Why wasn’t I enough?”
• “Maybe if I were prettier/skinnier/funnier/smarter…”
• “What did I do wrong?”
• “Am I too much?”
• “Am I not enough?”

BLAH BLAH BLAH

At 22, I thought all these things and keep pushing them out of my mind instantly thinking “HA!!! HIS LOSS!” and I’d be a little overdramatized with my so called “empowerment.” This led to destruction to cover the pain with girl’s nights partying away the sadness and using the attention of men as a band-aid.

At 25, I realized…hm… maybe, just MAYBE, I was not too much or not enough, but maybe HE was not ready for what I had to offer. But, instead of blaming him and proclaiming it was “HIS LOSS,” I had to shift my perspective to being like: I am confident in who I am as a person, I think I gave him what I had to offer, and if that was not enough or if that was too much, then he was not the proper recipient of my love.

I started speaking to myself in affirmations. If my mind wandered once I stopped moving and the thoughts landed on those troubling questions: “Why wasn’t I enough?” I would ask myself “Are you enough for yourself?”

You don’t need to worry or depend on the opinion of others to determine your worthiness.

Use this time for self-reflection.

• “Maybe if I were prettier/more fit/funnier/smarter…”
  • Well, look in the mirror and ask yourself “Am I pretty?” If it’s hard to find the confidence after a break-up, you are not alone. The best thing to do is get dressed up for yourself. Put on your favorite lipstick or your favorite dress and look at yourself in the mirror. You are beautiful because there is no one else made like you. I promise, that will make you “pretty enough” for the right person.
• “Am I fit enough?”
  • If the answer is no, do something about it. After my last breakup, I was unhappy with my fitness. Throwing my anger into my work outs not only helped me release my worries in a healthy way, but it helped restore the confidence I had definitely lost.

I could keep going, but I think you understand the need for shifted perspective.

#5) AVOID VICES

By a certain age, you should know what your “vices” are. At 22, I turned to partying and “band-aid” men for attention because I was missing it from the person I had loved. I would get so many texts from boys who didn’t care about me and I ended up doing a lot of things I regretted because I was covering up the pain. At 25, I knew the vices were not the answer. Did I fail a few times? Absolutely. Learn from your immature mistakes, apologize to who you need to and then, cut yourself some slack.

 I had to learn my lesson twice, but the moral of the story is that alcohol is not my friend during a break-up, regardless of what the songs in the media say. Social experiences are your friend during a break-up, but if you’re anything like me, drinking so much to the point of where you are drunk will only make matters worse.

#6) LEAN ON YOUR FAITH

            If you believe in a higher power, this is potentially the most important tip. For me at 22, I prayed, but I didn’t really know what I was praying for. I was all over the place. At 25, I THANKED God for allowing me the opportunity to go through these life changes. I thanked him for my experience at 22, that it allowed me to learn what not to do. I thanked Him for the good memories. I thanked Him for taking control of my life. I told God that I trusted the journey and I GAVE IT ALL TO HIM. I would pray “Okay, you brought me here. We’ll get through it together.”

            It was in the moments late at night, crying myself to sleep when this was most important. In a time when I felt 100% alone, He was there for me, every step of the way. I know not everyone reading this is a Christian, but I am telling you that I don’t know what I would have done without my faith in this last breakup. I offered my life to Him and I’ve been coming out on top because of it.

AND FINALLY, WHEN IT’S TIME…

#7) BREAK CONTACT AND CLOSE THE BOOK

            This journey looks different for everyone. At 22, we broke all contact…for a few months… then we were friends for about six months… then we abruptly stopped and I have not spoken a word to him since February of 2017. That one was easy. We were too young and now looking back, our values didn’t align. It was easier to digest the fact that I have my beautiful memories, but he is no longer a value to my life.

At 25…I knew this one was going to be a lot messier. Families got involved. Friends are currently involved. It’s kind of a mess and it led me to the ultimate point of blocking his number.

For a long time, I couldn’t do it even though I knew I had to. The good news is that as an adult, no one can force you to talk or not to talk to that person. I wasn’t ready to break contact for a long time. I didn’t talk to him, but he “came back” apologizing and saying he made a mistake. This was worse than the break-up itself. It was all so messy and frustrating, and I felt like I was fighting a battle alone.

One day, I accepted that he wasn’t respecting my boundaries, him contacting me was disrupting my peace, and that any glimmer of hope we’d get back together wasn’t allowing me to move on. You need to regain power and control of your peace, girl. Block him, create those boundaries and move ahead. It’s so hard, but I promise you will feel better.

Key Takeaways from all of this:

1. Make a badass playlist & scream the lyrics at the top of your lungs. As the healing progresses, the music selection will follow.

2. Let yourself FEEL: and cry as you need to. The emotions will only come back and haunt you later if you don’t give them the proper respect they deserve.

3. Keep moving: Start exercising, get a new hobby, read a new book, apply for a new job/school, enroll in a class. Throw yourself into positive and productive goals.

4. Be nice to yourself! Talk to yourself in the mirror as you would your own daughter. If you’d never say hurtful things to your daughter, why would you say them to yourself? No one can love another without first loving themselves.

5. Change your perspective from self-sabotage and dramatized “empowerment” to realistic thoughts. Understand that it doesn’t help to blame the other person (“His loss!!”) and understand that no one else determines your self-worth. Sometimes, it does not work and that doesn’t always means someone is to blame.

6. Avoid covering your pain with your vices. In other words: don’t be a drunk sloppy mess craving attention.

7. Lean on your faith. I trusted God and His path for my life and who am I to stand in the way of that? If He brought me to it, He’ll bring me through it.

8. Close the book. You’ve gotta move on, babe. Regain power over your peace. Stay strong. I believe in you and you can do this.

I hope this helped even one person out there. I look back on all of my memories and I am grateful for the heartache, because that means I’ve been able to love and be loved already in my life, which is one of the most beautiful gifts on earth. You’ve got this, okay?

Until next time,