Okay, so the sole intent of this is to get the words out and be authentic. My intent is not to overshare, to put anyone or anything on blast, and I need you to understand all the situations I’m referring to are not dyre. It’s just very real to me in this moment. I don’t know who will read this, and quite frankly: I hope it doesn’t reach more than just a handful. If you’re a stranger on the internet, proceed with caution, for sure.

 I want to post and overshare on Instagram stories to 800+ of my “friends,” but this is definitely not the time and place. I have an epic support system, but they’re hurting too. I talked to my therapist and she thinks I should write. So, I’m writing. Because I’ve called my loved ones, but how do you call your family to talk about the grief of your family falling apart, when your family is also the ones experiencing it? We can’t all constantly preach to the choir. And compared to that, my other grief, it seems small to them I’m sure. It doesn’t feel small to me though. I feel both silenced and overwhelmed. Hence, blog, my saving grace tonight because the words need to go somewhere and my journal pages aren’t doing the trick anymore either.

Previously, when I was going through some of my darkest of times, it’s like I was living my life with a fog over it, or with an alternative reality, and it wasn’t until it was passed that I truly realized how bad it is. In my early 20s, there was a huge fog and I’d look in the mirror without even recognizing myself. I couldn’t feel God’s presence for the first time in my life, and I knew something was up but it truly felt I had no choice but to stick it out. I completely lost myself through the grieving process. That was definitely the darkest era of my life thus far, but it needed to happen to make me stronger and learn what not to do. Bigger mountains were coming.

            Mid 20s, hit with a little more trauma and still, could have handled things better. Relationships (both romantically and not) had taken too much from me, so I guess I didn’t really realize how bad things were until I started to experience physical anxiety symptoms. I went to a doctor and was told I had severe anxiety. Looking back, I think I had a lot of signs of depression, too. They asked if I had any major life events and when I listed them, they recommended therapy. So, I went. After five sessions, the therapist told me that my problems were not actually my own, I was extremely self-aware, and everything would be okay. And to be completely honest, it was. I met someone and we fell in absolute synchronization, and almost as quickly as it came, it went.

And now I’m in this new phase: this is the first time I’m going through my most difficult of days so hyperaware that they’re occurring. Everyone keeps telling me they’re proud of me, because I do admit, I have been extremely strong. But I also know, I’m completely and utterly overwhelmed. I feel disappointed by so many things. And, I feel the most empowered I’ve ever felt while being the most challenged, which is working together in it’s own beautiful synchronicity.

I’m not sure if the awareness is helping or hurting the situation. Everyday, I wake up and either pain is the first emotion I feel, or hopefulness. Most days lately, it doesn’t feel like there’s an in between. Nothing is particularly helping. I know I will be triumphant, I know I will end up on top, and I know God is walking with me. I feel Him in my presence every single day and I know I am protected and I am loved. But, I am pretty sad in this chapter, you guys, I’m not gonna lie. I’ve been ready to be a mom and someone to share it all with. I have been ready and its a very frustrating thing for me to understand I can’t understand why it’s not happening for me yet, and why it’s now failing for my parents after 28 years.

It feels extremely difficult, for me, an overthinker, to try and turn my brain off. I constantly have too many tabs open. I’m trying to excel in my new career. I’m trying to excel as a Commander in the Reserves (I feel like I’m failing). I’m trying to dedicate time to the things in this life that I love, such as this blog. And I’m trying my best to keep it together and not overanalyze every single aspect of my being. My mind is very mean to me sometimes, too. It knows all the flaws I think about my own character on such a deep level. Imagine constantly questioning your own character and having to reassure yourself that you’re doing a good job. The amount of self-confidence I must maintain right now is shocking, and quite frankly: exhausting.

The Bible says not to worry, and I wish I could be more obedient in that aspect. I worry constantly. I cannot turn my brain off and it’s the loudest when I need it to be the quietest. Like right before bed, or at Trader Joe’s when they’re out of my favorite candy while a pang of nostalgia hits me as James Taylor plays in the speakers.  Fire and Rain.

            If you made it this far in this post, I want you to know a few things. Number one, you’re so nosy. Like, probably too nosy honestly. But congratulations, because you just got a little glimpse of what’s going on in my mind. Number two, I’m saying all this because the world lacks authenticity right now. If anything, everything about the world we live in is so fake. There’s a beautiful art in keeping a private life, and I understand this. However, one could argue there’s an even more beautiful art in connecting with other humans through our shared experiences. I’m on the side of arguing for the connection. If just one person who reads this, relates to me and feels less alone than I do right now, than I’m glad I wrote and published it. Humans only have one another out there and you guys, the burden of life is getting really freaking heavy lately. Please know, I would never take my own life. The good parts of this world, are worth any hardship a million times over. I mean, have you SEEN a sunrise?? Or an autumn tree?! Have you or heard the rain in spring, or the crash of a wave in summer? What about the crackle of a bonfire on a crisp night? Fire and rain. Can be your most devastating falls or your most valued experiences.

This life is overwhelmingly good.

OKAY. This is so heavy, you guys. Maybe I won’t publish it??? Idk, I’ll think about it.

            But, I’m going to end on an even more positive note. Tomorrow’s Thanksgiving, so this is what I’m thankful for. I have my health and a big ole brain. I have a good career. I have a loving family, albeit separately. I am ambitious and I don’t think I will ever not be ambitious. I have such a strong faith that grows by the year. For that, I think I am the most grateful. I have a smile that will make you smile, too. I have a roof over my head, & good food in my belly. The roof on my head happens to be a dream apartment in New York City I can actually afford on my own.  I have this constant desire to improve myself and to learn about this life. And despite all the dark and heavy words in this article, I have an unshakable knowing that I will be alright. I’ve got me & God’s got me & that’s all a lady needs. Take care of yourselves out there, alright? You deserve it all, as do I.