As one of my confessional blogs, I always start by saying I’M GOING TO OVERSHARE IN THIS POST. These confessionals are online, public journal entries. If you don’t really know me as a person, proceed with caution as you may get a different sneak peek into my mind today. If you do know me, same rules apply. This is your final warning to exit to post and leave these thoughts for my non-judgmental readers.

Okay, now that we’re in a safe place. I’ve gotta get something off my chest.

I recently turned 30.

The vanity of the age for a woman is not something that worries me as much as I had thought it would. Maybe because my self-image is getting kinder as I age actually

Life: 294875523. Alex: 1

I had always looked forward to this age and was so excited at where I was headed in life. You want to know the truth? I’m kind of in one of the lowest points I’ve been in a long time. And before you feel sorry for me about saying that, I want you to know that I am generally happy. I am just, also kinda not.

I went to college. I started a career. I went to grad school. I started another career. I moved to New York City and live on my own. I thought I had fostered friendships for many years, and won over the hearts of many. So if all that is true, how am I sitting here in my apartment, that I can hardly afford, feeling so unfulfilled and quite frankly, lonely. Now what? It feels as though we’ve come to a screeching halt and I can’t see the next move for any of my life. The city is not my forever home and that feels more evident on a daily basis. I think I want to settle down?

One large point of contention is that I’m honestly not good at my job. So, after two years of building a career in this field in the city, I’m discovering that maybe it isn’t for me ? I’ve hardly failed at anything I’ve tried to do in this lifetime, so it’s a difficult thing to swallow.

I kind of saw this coming. You can only fake it until you make it for so long until the lights come on and that’s kind of the reality I’m being faced with. I thought it might have been imposter syndrome, but it wasn’t. I was right all along about my skill set, or lack thereof, in this particular field.

So, what now?

I have no idea. Being this age is quite interesting. You have the wisdom and the knowledge from the years that have built you, but you don’t necessarily have the tools in order to overcome news hurdles, in spite of this wisdom. It almost feels as though once I reached this age, there would be a guidebook for the next phase of life.

Alas, there is no guide besides the solace I personally find in prayer. (And I’m writing this in respect to whatever you may or may not believe in. I believe in God and the power of prayer.)

So, I’ll pray.

I’ll pray for a career that I love and one that I am “good” at.

I’ll pray for a life partner, who truly loves me for me.

I’ll pray that I genuinely feel worthy of receiving that kind of love.

I’ll pray for financial stability or at least not feeling as though I should always be making more/saving more/etc.  

I’ll pray for safety and peace of a home of my own. With big windows and a nice bathroom.

I’ll pray for freedom. Whether that simply comes from having a car to take road trips in, a partner that allows me to be me and flourish, a job that allows me to travel. I just want freedom.

I’ll pray for my parents and my sister. I pray they’re all happy and accomplish their dreams, too. And that I learn how to love them, as they all deserve to be loved.

I’ll pray for a family of my own someday, if motherhood is the road that I am led to, and that I can do so gracefully in this modern world.

I’ll pray that my relationship with God never falters and that it grows every year. With that, I pray that I can learn to put Him number one. I pray that I stop forgetting to.

And I pray that every day, regardless of whatever “low” circumstance I may come across, that I remember to live life and be grateful for every single day.

I read a quote recently that said don’t waste this one life trying to get your life together. I’m going to do my darndest not to. I’m going to enjoy the sunshine and call my friends and do things that bring me joy while I still can.

I said to my dad today “Oh this is just a temporary phase. I’ll get out of it soon.” And he said “of course, but honey, this is also just life.”

One year ago at 29, my life felt like it was going extremely well and one of the best it had in some time. And today, it feels like some of the worst it’s been (even though online depicts a different version of my truth).

So I wanted to be open and transparent so that way in 365 days when I look back on this time, I can smile and realize saying “It’s going to be okay,” paid off.

Love you. Thanks for reading my truth today.